23

colorful balloons
Photo by Polina Tankilevitch on Pexels.com

I turn 24 tomorrow…well in a few hours and I haven’t quite come to terms with it.

I never thought I would make it to 24, which really doesn’t seem like much of an age to many but the few friends I’ve had either didn’t or barely made it here so who’s counting.

I feel aimless with no pursuit.

I don’t know what I want from 24, but really all I want i the chance to do back and do it all over again and fuck my life up in a different way…I have ideas.

I want to be kinder and softer and less hard. I feel beautiful in every dress no matter if my waist is 25″ or 32″. I don’t want to be crippled by the example of my parents in every relationship and I especially don’t want to feel stuck in a job for the rest of my life out of obligation.

I want to unlearn the things I have been taught and try again.

I don’t know what I want but I am pretty sure I am not happy.

Quarantine has a funny way of making you fess up and look at yourself in the mirror when you have nowhere else to go.

I miss the feeling of the summer and burnt skin and salty hair and a hangover that never quite goes away. I miss meeting boys in bars and getting into cars on laps and just laughing. I miss being open to friendship, I have so many walls.

I am so tired.

I don’t know what I want but I am pretty sure I don’t want to be here.

I don’t know what I mean by here.

Happy birthday to me.

AWS.

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